I broke down this morning during my prayer time. I knew I wanted to write a post about my thoughts surrounding my birthday, but I didn’t know what I really wanted to say. 21 reminds me that it’s been 10 years, 3650 days, 315,360,000 seconds of being in constant, relentless pain. It was my birthday week when I fell off the monkey bars at school and broke my back. It would be my 11th birthday that I would wear my back brace for the first time. It would be my birthday dinner that my friend’s parents would realize and gossip about how my whole life was forever changed. They would speak without realizing that an 11-year-old girl was close by listening and the reality would soon hit her as well, that her life would forever be marked by her 11th birthday. Maybe it was that 11th birthday that would forever change the way that little girl would view her birthdays to come. No longer were birthdays a celebration of the one whom she was becoming, but mourning for who she could never be, for the things she could never be able to do.
Chronic illness does something incomprehensible for those who’ve never walked in those shoes. Every year reminds me of what I missed out on due to my illness. I read back on my journal entries from the past 6 or so years on my birthday and I quote from my 16th birthday, “I woke up this morning and felt like someone had died. I feel like I’m going to a funeral today, not celebrating a birthday.” Life has been hard for me, but through it all God has been good to me. When I was 15, I stopped seeing 21, matter of fact I stopped seeing 16. A few times actually I was really close to the edge, but He was kind to me. He was near to me and He saw me through. You see I almost never made it to 21, but He met me at the edge and yelled louder than my pain that my life was worth fighting for and so fight I have. Birthdays are hard, but birthdays are beautiful reminders that I have made it through another year.
I was listening to a podcast done by Sadie Robertson, she was interviewing Bob Goff, author of “Love Does” and “Love Always”. Sadie was talking about life advice and Bob shared that he often consults his 10-year-old self and his 10-year older self when conflicted with life’s predicaments. For me, his analogy would go like this…Our best coach is our 10-year older self…for me, I think of my 31-year-old self, “What does she want/what would she say?” But, don’t forget your 10-year-old self, “What would she say and want?” He goes on to say that we shouldn’t get too caught up in looking at how “unfair” things have been for us because then we lose our childlike faith. He sums it up by saying this, “I’m not looking for fair in things, I’m looking for Jesus in things.”
This struck accord…Looking at myself now I want to go back in time and whisper some encouragement and truth into 11-year-old Brooke’s ear, “Baby Brooke, life has changed. Life is going to be really hard for the next 10 years, but I’m here to let you in on a secret…we make it, we get through it. Not only do we make it to 21, but we thrive at 21. 21 is the year you become relentless in your pursuit of chasing after your God-given purpose. It’ll look nothing like what we thought we wanted, but it’ll be more than we could have ever imagined. At 21 you’re going to have lived in some really cool places and met some awesome people that will change your life. At 21 you’re not going to be in college like we had dreamed, but while everyone else our age is studying the books, you’re going to have discovered who you are and who you were called to be. Not many 21-year-olds can say that, but we can. You’re going to change and metamorphose in the next 10 years. It will be the hardest time of our life, but without it we would never get to be where we are now. So, hold on…tighter and tighter…you can cry, you can scream, you can even cuss a little, you can be angry, you can fight it, you can give up on everything else, but don’t you dare let go of the one who is holding onto you. He won’t let go of you. He won’t stop pursuing you. He won’t stop loving you. He won’t stop crying with you. He won’t give up on you, even when you give up on Him. He won’t. He never will. So, hold on as tight as you can, these next 10 years are going to be one hell of a ride, but I WILL see you on the other side and 21 looks good on us.”
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