Living Chronically Blessed

Not today Satan. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. My life is not in your hands.

Start a blog they said, It’ll be good for you they said. What they didn’t say was how hard it would be. Yeah, the writing has always seemed to come easy to me, but when God decides that He is going to build something from your ashes, the devil decides that He is going to put every distraction and hindrance in your way in order to not let it happen.

It’s taken me close to 4 years since I was first led by the spirit to start this blog. I have heard and believed every lie and distraction that satan has thrown at me. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not ashamed, because I can now look back on every hinderance along this road leading to this moment and say that I am stronger and I hope I’m wiser.

I am not naïve, I fully realize that the past 4 years was only the beginning of the attack and really it wasn’t even the beginning of the attack. From the moment the doctor’s told my mom she couldn’t conceive, satan had zoomed in on me and was already scheming.

The mere fact that I was born was a win in the name of Jesus Christ, but satan is not a quitter and 6 weeks into my life he tried to take my life again, but my God wasn’t going to let him win. 16 years later the lies had built up, the pain had built up and the fear was paralyzing. he almost won that day, but he didn’t. Because this life of mine was never intended for him to have control over.

When he couldn’t get to me through those around me, he isolated me from my world. he took this fearfully and wonderfully made body and cell by cell he tore it apart. I was left with not only a body that was failing but with a soul that was crushed.

I’ve always known the name of my healer, but I had never known my healer. It took me a long time to realize that healing doesn’t always come in the way we are expecting it. I’ve watched too many friends and loved ones bodies fade away to realize that knowing the healer doesn’t necessarily mean healing comes in the physical form or even in this lifetime. But, I am confident in this, my God is a healer, He is my healer and He is healing me, even though my body becomes weaker every day.

The hard part of starting this blog isn’t the writing or trying to explain illnesses that my own doctors can’t even pronounce. No, God knows how easy I can rattle off what postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome or Ehlers-Danlos syndrome is, that part is easy for me. I have had quite a bit of practice as I explain my ailments to the thousands of people that have made up my care team over the years.

Something else happens though when I hit the publish button. My heart must except, what my body, my mind, and my cells already know. Hitting publish means that I have lost the girl I always wanted to be, I have lost all the dreams that I once had and now I relinquish it all into my Father’s hands.

The fight doesn’t magically stop now. The pain doesn’t suddenly relent. The surgeries don’t disappear. The tubes coming out of my body don’t just fall out. I don’t get to stop taking all the medicines. The appointments don’t cease to be unbearable or overwhelming. The tears won’t stop streaming and my face won’t display a smile that I can’t shake off.

None of these things change, but how I fight these things and approach these things will change. They have changed. He is healing me. He is with me. He is fighting for me. He is carrying me. I am never alone. I am seen. I am heard. I am healing. I am Living Chronically Blessed. I have put my hope in the Lord both now and forevermore. Amen.