It’s been a while. Matter of fact it’s been too long and honestly more has happened since June than I’ll ever be able to fully put into words. It’s been some of the longest and most trying (emotionally and physically) months of my life.
July took mom, dad and I to Florida for a much-needed getaway. The beach has always been a healing place for me emotionally, and our family has been going to the same place almost every year since I was born. I hadn’t been able to go for the past few years and so it was eye-opening for me to return to this significant and historical getaway.
The last time I was in Florida it was 2016 and I was just about to get dropped off at college. I remember the strong emotions of feeling like a new chapter was about to start for me and I was positive that my life would never be the same. I was so ready for my new adventure. Arriving in Florida in 2019 it hit me hard that 2016 was indeed the start of a very new chapter for me, but not in the way I was hoping.
Fast forward to a week ago when I laid in my hospital bed crying, completely drained. I had never felt so overwhelmed, drained, confused, hopeless, dreamless and desperate. This chapter is so far off from where I had hoped it would be. I should be graduating in a few months time, but I haven’t even gotten to start my college journey. Florida 2019 was a very real reminder that life has taken a drastic turn.
Coming home from Florida this year life continued to follow a harsh path as mom was put back on the ventilator for the third time this year. After a rough week on life support God gave my mom back to me. This hospital stay was different and we all knew it from the time she was intubated. The doctors couldn’t promise us this time that she would come off and so we held tight to every last minute and as mom’s ICU neighbor was declared brain dead, but mom started breathing on her own, we got a dose of reality. They lined the halls for mom’s neighbor to honor a hero and I held my mom’s hand, but I knew that could’ve been us, maybe it should’ve been us.
Mom was eventually discharged, but 2 weeks later her body started shutting down again. The doctors stopped making promises and started encouraging us to hold mom tight while we still can. Mom has been inpatient most of the time since July.
But, as we surrounded mom, I found out that after 10 years of waiting it was finally time for one my biggest journeys to begin.
I found out that after thousands of PT appointments, steroid injections, numerous braces, acupuncture, dry needling, massage therapy, nerve blocks and the hundreds of things we’ve tried to help my very screwed up back, it was time to make it officially screwed together. September 26th was the big day that we began to prepare for. 10 years of build-up, emotionally and physically, had brought a lot to sort through before we could officially cut me open for 10 hours. I was scared out of my mind when I finally got the date and so I unplugged from most things when I found out that my surgery was scheduled.
I knew the risks… at very worst I wouldn’t wake up from the surgery, I could wake up paralyzed and so much more. I knew the pain that was to come… In the words of one of my surgeons, “You’ll hate the world and you’ll want to die.” I knew that I wasn’t guaranteed to get any relief. I knew that I wasn’t guaranteed to have my mom by my side through it all or any of it at all. I also knew that I could wake up and for the first time in over 10 years feel like I had been given a new chance at life. I knew that September 26th would bring a new Brooke, one way or another.
10 years had not only built up a lot of emotions but physically I had a lot of work to prepare for surgery. Medicines had to be weaned off of, doctors needed to approve, MRI’s, bloodwork and much more needed to be done in order to even make it to September 26th. Completely overwhelmed I unplugged from the world for a solid 2 weeks and just let God work on me mentally to prepare for the battle.
After 2 weeks I allowed certain doctor’s appointment’s back in, certain people back in my life, certain media, certain music back in and continued to listen to where His heart was beating and leading in the battle and followed relentlessly. I spent time with mom, I poured my heart and time into serving at church and spent a lot of time at my own appointments and tests.
Beginning of August mom’s doctors suggested we take a family vacation. So, the week before surgery we took off to “the Dutch Caribbean,” the most beautiful island/place I’ve ever seen. We spent 8 days in Aruba enjoying family, no doctors/ hospitals, not even medical talk, we took a Jeep and explored the island for a day, we laughed, we danced, we ate, we drank, we tanned, we snorkeled, we fished, we explored, we shopped, we sweat, we rested, we recharged.
The last night all 5 of us sat and watched the sunset in peaceful silence and I told myself that I would never forget that moment, that God-given peace, that God-given stillness, that God-given beauty, that God-given moment would be mine to cling to as I fell asleep 4 days later not knowing if I would ever wake up again.
