On Monday I had my second life-saving device put into my body.
The catheter from my port goes into my heart and provides direct access for medications into my bloodstream. I had my previous port for almost 3 years and I watched that device save my life multiple times.
Unlike most of my other surgeries/scars and even illnesses, my port is the one thing that people can visibly see and say, “That girl is really sick!” Honestly, it’s been kind of a relief to have my port as a visible symbol of just how sick my body is internally.
I’ve used my port as a way to explain why I had to bring my medications into sporting stadiums.
I’ve used my port as a visual explanation of why I go off in metal detectors (even though I have metal in various other places in my body).
I’ve used my port to explain that I actually am sick and yes, she is a real service dog.
My port lets the nurses know that I might be 22, but my veins will blow when you poke them.
People don’t glare at me when I’m infusing and get out of the car while parked in a handicap spot or if I’m taking up a seat in the waiting room instead of offering it up to my dad.
My port in a lot of ways has been my lifeline to sanity the past 3 years.
I’d forgotten what it was like to be glared at for having an invisible illness and judged by medical professionals as being a “healthy young lady.”
For those of you dealing with an invisible illness or heck, even an invisible struggle, I see you and your illness/struggle. God sees you and takes you seriously.
God sees you and takes you seriously.
Monday morning, I was scared and I couldn’t process why.
It was in the stillness as I closed my eyes and waited for God to speak that I heard Him remind me that He was my lifeline, He is my lifeline.
It is God who gives me breath in my lungs.
It is God who sees all that I am and loves me the same.
He’s never made me explain.
He’s never glared at me.
He’s believed in me, sustained me, healed me, and fought for me.
I was scared because I was receiving a new lifeline and the risk was high. I was disappointed that my body still required a lifeline. I was scared of not knowing the length or the extent I would need my new lifeline.
It was in my fear and disappointment that He reminded me that medical devices are temporary, flawed, filled with great risk, painful, and simply just a tool.
My real lifeline is forever and always. My true lifeline is perfect, reliable, trustworthy, faithful, devoted, and overflowing with blessings.
My fear disappeared as I shifted my trust from a medical tool to my ultimate physician.
I will always be grateful for my port and the way it has changed my life for the better, but I refuse to find a lifeline in anything but my God.
Check out this page to read all about why I even need a port!
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