The Collapsing of Straightforward
How are you supposed to process cancer?
I knew in my heart before he went into surgery that it was cancer. I’ve dealt with life-altering diagnoses before, but nothing has hit me quite this hard. Maybe it’s because I’m a Johnson, maybe it’s my trust issues, maybe it was the Holy Spirit preparing me, but I knew that this wasn’t going to be straightforward. They said stage 1 and everyone around me suddenly seemed less concerned. Stage 1 means it’s no big deal…right? But, what about the risky surgery filled with life-altering consequences? What about the radiation and chemotherapy they said would wreck his body?
And, then there was the collapsing of what was supposed to be straightforward. The PET scan showed a second cancer. His squamous cell carcinoma of the throat was in the lymph nodes, but something else lit up. They said it was nothing, but I knew. Further testing revealed renal cell carcinoma. And there it was, the road was no longer straightforward, the road was unknown and remains unknown. The person I love the most in life, the person I depend on the most in life has 2 types of cancer.
Life Changes
Suddenly I found myself trying to fill up my car with gas, learning medical bills, withdrawing from my relationships, being nauseated by weddings, not agreeing to any future plans, and taking full responsibility of my pet’s needs. My dad has always taken care of me. He is the one to fill up my car with gas, but like a cruel reminder of things, the day after my dad was diagnosed the light flickered on in my car and I found myself questioning my capability to do anything without my dad, let alone fill up my car with gas. I believe dad is going to be okay, and my gut has yet to fail me. But, what I don’t know is what the cost will be. Not all die from a diagnosis such as cancer, but all are forever changed.
The first year my mom got sick was brutal. She was in the hospital for most of the year and when she was home she was completely bedridden. When you get a life-altering diagnosis the old self and the old life fades. At the age of 10 my grandmom had to break it to me that even when mom would come home, she would never be the same. When you grieve that former self/life is different for each of us, but none of us get to escape the loss of what once was. It took me a long time to let go of the life we had before my mom got sick.
My dad is going to beat this. Jesus is going to bring us victory. We pray for complete healing and mighty miracles, but I have seen enough miracles to know that even when God puts the fire out the smoke lingers. God brings healing for those wounds too, but you’re never the same. Even the best new chapters are only the result of the end of a previous chapter. We will be stronger from this. In all ways, the Lord will refine us in this fire. But, the fire still burns, and sometimes the heat feels hotter than I can bear.
There is a time to grieve and mourn. I’m allowed these emotions. The Lord is kind to me in this season, even when I don’t feel like being kind to myself. So, how are you supposed to process cancer? I don’t know. At this moment it’s heavy and sad. That’s okay. For now, I struggle to trust even the good news, I fill up my car with gas, I learn the ways to take care of my medical bills, I avoid shows with a dad walking his baby girl down the aisle, I control what I can…even if it’s obsessive, and I seek joy amidst this fire. I give what I can to the Lord every day and pray that tomorrow I will have the trust and strength to give more.
The Fight Continues
July 13th my dad will undergo surgery to remove 2-3 of his lymph nodes and the tumor in his throat. We are beyond blessed and grateful for his care team both locally and at MD Anderson in Jacksonville, FL. His surgeon in Florida gives us hope that he might be able to remove all the throat cancer during surgery. The local team believes more will need to be done, but for now, we focus on surgery. Mom and dad celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary on July 27th. Dad had asked the surgeon if he could push back surgery for 2 weeks to celebrate their anniversary, but the doctor let it be known that 2 weeks could alter his treatment, as this tumor/cancer is aggressive. The renal team has agreed that it’s in dad’s best interest to take care of the cancer in the throat first.
Mom continues to fight. She started a heavy-hitting chemotherapy medicine in hopes to better control her myasthenia gravis. Her last hospital stay was in May and there is no medical reason why she survived. She’s currently on week 5 of bronchitis but is currently being treated outpatient.
Christopher and Lenzie have moved in with us to help carry the load.
As for me, I’m hanging in there. I’m not okay, but I will be. The Lord’s patience, love, and tenderness towards me overwhelm me every day. He is good to me. My health isn’t where I want it to be and I’m fighting some battles with my care team, which is exhausting. I’ve recently been accepted into a clinic in Florida that specializes in Ehlers-Danlos. My initial appointment is scheduled for September. Deep inside me, I know that we are so close to a breakthrough stability point in my health and I’m pushing my care team until we attain that point.
Friends, thank you for praying, calling, texting, messaging, and the cards. We are loved. You are loved and appreciated. We will get through this. The fire will be quenched, the smoke will clear out, and the burns will be healed. The Lord is victorious yesterday, today, and always. The Lord whispers to my soul multiple times a day, “Don’t give up.” So, here is my whisper to you in whatever fire you find yourself… “Friend, you are loved. You are enough. You will get through this. The best is yet to come. Don’t give up!”
This is why I suffer as I do. Still, I am not ashamed; for I know Him and I am personally acquainted with Him whom I have believed with absolute trust and confidence in Him and in the truth of His deity, and I am persuaded beyond any doubt that He is able to guard that which I have entrusted to Him until that day when I stand before HIm.
2 Timothy 1:12
Leave a comment