Jacksonville has been my home for a year now. Last year at this time I was constantly questioning if I had made the right decision. The enemy didn’t make it easy for me to stay, but God reminded me through every little detail that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The more He showed off by giving my body supernatural strength and wholeness the more I believed this place was my home.
If anyone knows how fragile and unstable life is, that would be me. I have watched too many good days turn into unexpected nightmares to believe that anything is guaranteed. One of the biggest lessons I have learned during the 15 years I have battled chronic illnesses is how special every moment can be, that is if you let it. I remember the feeling last year of sitting in my first class on my first day. The rest of my classmates were just annoyed that they were back in class after winter break. They weren’t the only ones that wanted to cry that morning; however, my tears were coming from a very different place.
2016
It was against my doctor’s recommendation, but after I graduated high school, I started college. By homecoming, my body had made the decision that it was not okay with college life. Fall of 2016 I was forced to withdrawal from school and start what would become 5 years of journeying through misery. My parents told me that I would be able to go to college again, but my doctors were telling me that I would never be able to truly live again.
I believed that God had a plan for my life, and I knew He was a good God, so His plan for my life had to be good. But nothing felt good between 2016 and 2021. I didn’t know who to believe…scratch that, I did know who I was supposed to believe…I guess the right way to say it would be that I didn’t know how to believe it.
When I think back over those years, I finally see what y’all always saw and would ask me, “How are you doing it?” My answer then and now is always, “God.” That’s it. I’ve always wished I had more words to say in response, but me saying that God was the reason I was surviving was actually me saying I have no freakin idea how I’m doing it. And now, I look back and I am speechless and in awe of just how much God carried me through the misery.
2022
My tears that first day I was back in school came from that awe. When I say that God was in every detail of my life in 2022, I am not exaggerating. The feeling of experiencing an overflow of goodness terrified me. I went from living in hospitals for five years to being busier than any of my newfound friends. To those around me, I was a regular 24-year-old who could not say no to any opportunity. Which quickly found me in more leadership roles than I could keep up with…but I did keep up. My family and friends who had known me before Jacksonville were left speechless.
I loved every minute because I knew that every minute was a gift. Just like I had said God was the reason I was surviving the misery, last year I started telling people that God was the reason I was living in the land of goodness. I can’t explain how I survived the pain and suffering of 2016-2021 and I can’t explain how I was able to live in the joy and happiness of 2022. Quite literally, no one can explain either thing, not even my doctors. I will forever remember 2022 as the year God showed off to me His care and devotion for me.
I did my best to live in every minute, but I would be lying if I said that with every good minute, I wasn’t cognizant that it could all change. I said yes when my body said no. I knew when I started the fall semester of 2022 that the winds were changing. I could just feel it in the air. Not that I thought God was going to yank all the goodness out of my life, but I knew that He was about to change the form of His goodness in my life.
We all have seasons in our lives, and I am sure just like me you can tell me the ways God was good to you in those seasons. He doesn’t change, but we do, and He loves us too much to abandon us when the new season comes along. He meets us in each season and cares for us differently depending on the season. It is the beauty of having a relationship with God. Again, He does not change, His goodness is always on display. Sometimes I see His goodness through the things He is doing around me. Other times, I see His goodness in the way He renews my spirit and strength when I should have nothing left.
As the fall semester continued, my ability to say yes became tougher. I was still living life to the fullest and creating memories that will last me a lifetime. The Lord graciously gave me enough strength to finish the semester. I knew when I turned in my final assignments that my season at my college was complete. I wouldn’t make the decision to withdrawl from school until I had to, January 10th would be that day. I fought with everything I had left to hold onto my life in Jacksonville.
2023
Starting in December 2022, my health forced itself into the forefront of my priorities. As we rang in 2023, I started my fight to survive. The Lord thankfully gave me some closure here in Jacksonville and a peace that moving back to Kansas with my family is the right decision.
That doesn’t mean I’m not mad at God, because I am. I do trust Him, and I do love Him. I believe in His goodness even though nothing feels good right now.
I will do another post sometime soon and do my best to explain what is going on in my body. What I will say now, is that I appreciate yall’s continued prayers. I am on a new health journey and the stakes are higher than ever.
As always, His goodness stands. I have full trust that He is working all things together for my good and not to harm me.
Thank you for being a friend and going on this journey with me. I’ll talk to you again soon.
-Brooke
I believe in His goodness even though nothing feels good right now.
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